dear diary :: baby-making

Dear Diary,

Baby-making. Such a sensitive topic. And obviously becomes much more sensitive if it applies directly to you. I realize for many women pregnancy just kind of happens... maybe you were trying, maybe you weren't. I realize there are some women that absolutely were not trying... and oops... pregnancy happened. Then I also realize that for many, many women there are years and years of trying... and tests... and miscarriages... and waiting...

Lance and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year now... which I know, in the grand scheme of things, isn't really that long. But it's funny how once you're "trying" each month seems to drag out a little bit longer than the last one. It's funny how once you start "trying" all of a sudden some kind of baby factory mysteriously opens up around the corner, releasing massive amounts of pregnant women and newborns... everywhere. It's funny how once you are "trying" people seem to ask, almost instinctively, "So, when are you guys going to start a family??" Maybe all of these things were true beforehand, but all of a sudden you're so much more aware... now that you are "trying?" Maybe.

Let's talk about that word, "trying" for a moment... It's a scary word. At least in the sense of baby-making. It took several months before I even dared utter the word... even though Lance and I were... well, trying. If anyone asked, my answer usually went something more like, "Well... you know... we're not preventing... so, eh, we'll see." ...said in my most casual, nonchalant tone. By using this answer, I could protect my pride. Because, I mean, if we're not really trying... and something happens, then "yay, us, we're pregnant..." But you see... the word "trying" well.... it's vulnerable. "Trying" implies that something should be happening... and when it doesn't, the term "trying" feels like some kind of admission of failure.

I have also recently realized how much pride I had in not trying. Lance and I have been married for 7+ years and we do not have children. I took great pride in this. To me, this was proof of a happy marriage... we don't need children to complete us... we are content with just the 2 of us... we can travel... we can sleep in on the weekends... etc, etc. It wasn't that I pitied my friends with children or thought that they had unhappy marriages... please don't misunderstand me... It was almost as if I needed an explanation as to why we were waiting so long...

Someone told me once that women become mothers the moment they start trying. It's not just after you hold your newborn baby in your arms... or even after you get pregnant... it's that very moment when you and your spouse decide that your family will be more complete with the addition of children. From that point on, your entire perspective changes. You see things differently. Your desires change.

Lance and I are confident that we will be parents one day. But it will be in the Lord's timing and in His plan. And I trust that. Some days it's easier than others.

Love,

Julia

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I have had this post sitting as "scheduled" for quite some time now... not entirely certain if I was ready (or wanting) to actually post it. But that is the point of the "dear diary" series... to be honest... to be vulnerable... I was deeply encouraged by this honest post and this super transparent post. Sometimes it takes writing the hard stuff to start moving forward again...

Linking this to Capturing Motherhood.