dear diary :: i hate change {or the shoebox theory}

Dear Diary,

Change.  It's been this recurring theme in our lives for quite some time now.  Some big changes... and some small changes.  Some that I've shared about on this blog (here and here)... and some that I have not.  Some exciting changes... and some scary changes.  Some that were expected.... and some, not-so-much.

And just when it seems that the dust is beginning to settle from one change or another, something else... well, changes.

I'm calling it the shoebox theory.  Imagine life in a cute little shoebox... with all of your things just like you want them... everything in its place... all tucked away, safe and sound.  Then someone picks up that shoebox and turns it one way... and then another... shakes it around a bit and then puts it back... upside down.  And just when you thought you had picked up most of the pieces and rearranged your little shoebox back to normal... wouldn't you know it, someone picked up that damn shoebox again.

That's the thing about change... you can never really prepare for it.  Which is probably why I hate it so much.  I prefer to be prepared. 

But it doesn't always work that way.  Our most recent bout with change has left me feeling anything but prepared.  It's as if the entire lid to our shoebox is missing.  Well, shit.  Now what?

And that's when He does it again.  That small gentle reminder.  Trust me.  

Then I hear my sad, pitiful replies... Well, I would if I still had the lid to my shoebox... I would if you would just do ____... I would if you would just give me ____... I would if you just didn't take ____... would, would, would... if, if, if...

Why is my trust so conditional... when God's love is so unconditional?

Welp... maybe God didn't design me to live in a shoebox?  Maybe He was the one that took the lid to my shoebox?  Simply trying to show me that He is offering me so.much.more. than that stupid shoebox will ever be able to provide.  And sure... it will be scary outside the confines of that little shoebox... but the truth is, I am much safer in His hands than I will ever be in that damn shoebox.  But why is it so hard to remember that? 

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  May the name of the Lord be blessed!"
     -Job 1:21